Welcome to Facebook!

Welcome to Facebook!

Your one-stop shop for all of your social needs!  Socialize without the unnecessary social mores, like brushing your hair or using deodorant!  Never again will you be bogged down by such details as whether someone else cares about what you're saying--it doesn't matter!  Whats more, no need to be self conscious in groups--there are so many people updating their statuses that your post will be off their radars in no time! 

Here's a glimpse of what you can do:

• Re-live the good old days when you used to speak to your best friends for hours and hours on the phone! Through Facebook messages you can re-connect with old friends by chronicling every year of your life since you last saw them--without having to pay for those nasty long-distance minutes!
• Remember hanging out at the mall, roaming in and out of dark, seedy stores while waiting for cute guys or hot babes to show up?  Don't waste your time!  Use our group app to hang out at your dream venue, where you would be happy to wait for others to show up--if they do at all!  Simply create a group with a theme that interests you.  But don't put too much thought into it: you can create totally nonsensical groups, like the "twiddling thumbers" forum or "fans of garbage."  If you build it, they will come!
• Impress the world and yourself with the number of friends you have!  They're easy to accumulate!  Simply friend anyone and everyone: people you like, people you don't like--even those you don't know well enough to know whether or not you like them!  Friend anyone you've ever heard of!  Heck, friend President Obama!
• Show a friend you care by purchasing our ready-made, truly-sincere one-word sentiments--each comes with an absolutely adorable hieroglyphic!
• So you don't forget anyone's special day, Facebook lists every friend who has a birthday each week.  If you don't log onto Facebook for a while, you will at least be able to tell whose birthday you missed!  Socializing wouldn't be authentic if you weren't a little rude every now and then!
• Facebook isn't just about friends.  For instance, you can play games that will show you what it would be like if you lived in another way--maybe if you were a farmer, milking a cow, buying a new horse, shoveling manure!

Don't take our word for it--go ahead and explore!  Hop onto your wall right now and start some quality procrastination!