Yesterday's Revelation Reduxe

If doing nothing gets you depressed, then you are doing something.

Thank you very much.

WANTED: TEENS FOR RENT

Parent-training agency seeks teenage boys and girls ages 14-17 to rent out to parents of future and current teens, and couples thinking of having children.  Minimum wage + Room and Board.  Whining and yelling skills a must.  Cursing a plus.  Failing grades accepted.  Slobs only. Send cover letter to Ad No. 6667.

Re: Ad No. 6667.

Hello,

I haven’t done something like this before, but I believe that I am perfect for it. 

First, I am a slob.  Not only is my room a mess, but also it smells because I keep forgetting to throw away any of the food that I sneak in.  My mom tells me that it could also smell because I leave my clothes in heaps until I need new ones.  Then I just dump the whole pile in the laundry room for her to wash. I am a good student, so I don’t need to be reprimanded for grades.  I do, however, require use of the car, especially on the weekends.  I also have been partying more this semester, because all of my college applications are in.  Thus, the parents-in-training will not have to worry about school—I don’t anymore!!!!

On command (as well as on demand), I can be as annoying as you would like.  I also am independent enough to be able to know when to turn it on.  For example, when my parents ask where I am going, I never tell them until I need to borrow their credit card for gas.  If you would like, I can even try to keep the credit card I borrow from my temporary parents.  Another time I am obnoxious is when my younger brother comes in the room.  Sometimes I’ll yell at him to get out, other times I’ll show him something on my computer, like a Youtube video, and I’ll be really nice, until I can’t stand him anymore.  Then I kick him out.  The best part of being a teen—and the most effective way to show adults what teens are really like—is being completely moody and random.  No one in my family knows how to deal with me, not even my dog.  I stay in my room as much as I can and let them all come to me.  My mother is so desperate to see me that she randomly brings me food and something to drink. 

What parents need to understand is that it is not my fault that I am moody.  It’s completely their fault.  When they act like idiots, why would they expect me to even look at them?  What business is it of theirs where I go, what I eat, whether I am at school or not?  My parents are beyond redemption because they have no clue, so I hope you consider me to give what I can to help other kids have parents that are not as clueless as mine.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Mike Samson

Welcome to Facebook!

Welcome to Facebook!

Your one-stop shop for all of your social needs!  Socialize without the unnecessary social mores, like brushing your hair or using deodorant!  Never again will you be bogged down by such details as whether someone else cares about what you're saying--it doesn't matter!  Whats more, no need to be self conscious in groups--there are so many people updating their statuses that your post will be off their radars in no time! 

Here's a glimpse of what you can do:

• Re-live the good old days when you used to speak to your best friends for hours and hours on the phone! Through Facebook messages you can re-connect with old friends by chronicling every year of your life since you last saw them--without having to pay for those nasty long-distance minutes!
• Remember hanging out at the mall, roaming in and out of dark, seedy stores while waiting for cute guys or hot babes to show up?  Don't waste your time!  Use our group app to hang out at your dream venue, where you would be happy to wait for others to show up--if they do at all!  Simply create a group with a theme that interests you.  But don't put too much thought into it: you can create totally nonsensical groups, like the "twiddling thumbers" forum or "fans of garbage."  If you build it, they will come!
• Impress the world and yourself with the number of friends you have!  They're easy to accumulate!  Simply friend anyone and everyone: people you like, people you don't like--even those you don't know well enough to know whether or not you like them!  Friend anyone you've ever heard of!  Heck, friend President Obama!
• Show a friend you care by purchasing our ready-made, truly-sincere one-word sentiments--each comes with an absolutely adorable hieroglyphic!
• So you don't forget anyone's special day, Facebook lists every friend who has a birthday each week.  If you don't log onto Facebook for a while, you will at least be able to tell whose birthday you missed!  Socializing wouldn't be authentic if you weren't a little rude every now and then!
• Facebook isn't just about friends.  For instance, you can play games that will show you what it would be like if you lived in another way--maybe if you were a farmer, milking a cow, buying a new horse, shoveling manure!

Don't take our word for it--go ahead and explore!  Hop onto your wall right now and start some quality procrastination!