The Idiotic Guide to Being Late

CHAPTER 1  

Timeliness: A Divine Act of Intervention

Under the law of entropy, our existence comprises a frenzy of causes and effects.  Being late is one of those frenzies.  Consider some of the infinitesimal number of circumstances that can cause lateness:

Bad traffic due to accidents, construction stops and detours, severe weather,  flat tire, faulty GPS, car trouble, previous meeting running late, earlier doctor's appointment running late, catching the flu, getting your sick kid to the doctor, your babysitter cancelling at the last minute....

Not only is the list endless, but all of these circumstances must be miraculously absent for us to get anywhere on time. It is NOT, in fact, a miracle.  It is an Act of Divine Intervention.  God smites all potential obstacles in our way.  

CHAPTER 2:

A Call to Action

Since lateness is endemic to being human, we must all forgive and forget, a key tenet of The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Sometimes we don’t forgive, but we forget.  Sometimes we forget, but we don’t forgive.  Sometimes we don’t forgive and we don’t forget. 

For example, my parents forget that it is perfectly natural to be late. Yet they still forgive me when I’m late.  My sister, however, neither forgets that it is natural to be late, nor forgives anyone for being late.  My best friend remembers to forgive and remembers to forget.  Sometimes, my son doesn’t remember to forget but remembers to forgive.

 Confused yet?  It is confusing! 

NUTSHELL BITE:

If you know that when you arrive late, someone will get angry with you, help them do the right thing--give them a reason to forgive you. 

CHAPTER 3: 

A Valid Excuse

Review:

·         Things happen to people, people are late. 

·         Being late—and its underlying causes—are natural.

·         People want to be nice.  They want to forgive and forget.

·         People need a valid excuse that will let them forgive and forget.

A valid excuse obviates the need for a real excuse.  An excuse is perfect if they don’t even know that they have anything to forgive you for.

An excuse is a story.  The best stories have interesting details, and are told in a dramatic way.  

John and Jane are in love.  After an amorous evening together, they sleep in the next morning, only to remember that it was a Monday.  John scampers into the shower, brushes his teeth and shaves while Jane grabs some extra winks.   By the time John is ready to go--freshly shaven, newspaper under his arm, coffee mug in hands, eyes wide open--Jane is waiting for him in the car.  John is frantic.  Jane has laid her head back and closed her eyes.  As they drive they both decide to give the same excuse to their bosses: there was an accident on the highway.

Later that day, they meet up at a bar.  John is sitting with his new friend, silent Bob.  Jane comes running up  to John to tell him the big news: she got a promotion, complete with raise.  John throws him arm around Jane and starts bellowing.  He has been fired. 

John falls into a heap onto the floor as Jane wishes him good riddens.

John wakes up late and misses an early meeting.  When he finally arrives, he tells his boss and colleags that he was late because he was caught in traffic slowed down by a car accident on the side of the road.  No one believes him.  He is fired.

Consider how Beth handled the same situation:

Upon waking, Beth throws some clothes on, brushes her teeth-- she does not brush her hair, she does not put on makeup.  She even leaves the residue from the previous day’s mascara under her eyes.  She sleeps in the car as John drives, and as he pulls over to the curb, she slowly opens her eyes.  Still in sleep mode she stumbles into work, and starts telling her story to her boss, who is walking in the hallway with one other person. By the time she finishes her story, about ten people surround her, patting her back in sympathy.

Exercise

Below  is a script of Beth’s monologue.  Stand in front of a mirror and practice it until you have memorized it.  Be late to something important, perform the monologue and then see if people are still talking to you.  If you would like us to critique your performance, sign up online, and we will arrange for a “temp” to film you.

Beth’s Harrowing Ride into Work: A MONOLOGUE

(Appear Breathless, speak frantically, as if the business cannot make a dime without you.)

Sorry I’m late, Mike.   

(look upset and frazzled)

I left at the same time I always do, 15 minutes earlier than what it would take normally take to get to work.  That way I get to the freeway in no time.

(wan smile, voice calmed, as you are telling the happy part of the story)

Crossing Lake Washington was no problem. 

(increase urgency as you go on) 

I had just gotten onto I-5. I heard this big BOOM--LOUD screeching--and GLASS shattering! 

(Go with it now.  You’re reliving the terror)

I looked up and saw a car spinning out of control—RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!

(optional: slow and steady sniffles; frantic hiccuped sniffles; no sniffles.)

The car knocked against the partition and then BOOM, more glass shattered and the car was upside down, the driver stuck inside. 

(Wait a beat for your audience to react, alternate controlled trembled speaking with befuddled babbling) 

None of us could move.  We were so shocked.  There were so many people there that I couldn’t get close enough. I couldn’t even tell if the guy was alive or not.  Maybe I’ll call the hospital.  Or maybe the ambulance never came.  I think he was all right.  No, wait, I don’t know.  I’ll call my boyfriend to see, did you see the sunset last night?  It was glorious! Want to go out for lunch?

(At this point, you should have your listeners.  Improvise. Be as creative as you want. Stutter, sweat, tear, light a cigarette.)

APPENDIX: Get our updated Appendix: Multiple Choice Lateness Test.