WANTED: TEENS FOR RENT

Parent-training agency seeks teenage boys and girls ages 14-17 to rent out to parents of future and current teens, and couples thinking of having children.  Minimum wage + Room and Board.  Whining and yelling skills a must.  Cursing a plus.  Failing grades accepted.  Slobs only. Send cover letter to Ad No. 6667.

Re: Ad No. 6667.

Hello,

I haven’t done something like this before, but I believe that I am perfect for it. 

First, I am a slob.  Not only is my room a mess, but also it smells because I keep forgetting to throw away any of the food that I sneak in.  My mom tells me that it could also smell because I leave my clothes in heaps until I need new ones.  Then I just dump the whole pile in the laundry room for her to wash. I am a good student, so I don’t need to be reprimanded for grades.  I do, however, require use of the car, especially on the weekends.  I also have been partying more this semester, because all of my college applications are in.  Thus, the parents-in-training will not have to worry about school—I don’t anymore!!!!

On command (as well as on demand), I can be as annoying as you would like.  I also am independent enough to be able to know when to turn it on.  For example, when my parents ask where I am going, I never tell them until I need to borrow their credit card for gas.  If you would like, I can even try to keep the credit card I borrow from my temporary parents.  Another time I am obnoxious is when my younger brother comes in the room.  Sometimes I’ll yell at him to get out, other times I’ll show him something on my computer, like a Youtube video, and I’ll be really nice, until I can’t stand him anymore.  Then I kick him out.  The best part of being a teen—and the most effective way to show adults what teens are really like—is being completely moody and random.  No one in my family knows how to deal with me, not even my dog.  I stay in my room as much as I can and let them all come to me.  My mother is so desperate to see me that she randomly brings me food and something to drink. 

What parents need to understand is that it is not my fault that I am moody.  It’s completely their fault.  When they act like idiots, why would they expect me to even look at them?  What business is it of theirs where I go, what I eat, whether I am at school or not?  My parents are beyond redemption because they have no clue, so I hope you consider me to give what I can to help other kids have parents that are not as clueless as mine.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Mike Samson