Self-Parodies, Verbatim

Below is part of the Instructions for my son’s high school commencement, copied and pasted from the high school website.   I couldn’t even try to make a parody better than the real thing:

Dress at Commencement Ceremony:

Girls are encouraged to wear dresses and dress shoes.  Please avoid hairdos that cause your cap to fit badly or fall off.  Bring hairpins to hold the cap on. 

Boys are encouraged to wear collared shirts, dark dress shoes, dark socks and dark trousers.

Izzie’s analysis:  Do I detect sexism?  Do the caps magically stay on the boys’ heads without hairpins?  A boy’s hairdo can’t cause a cap to fit badly? Ever hear of a Mohawk?  Who the hell says “hairdo” anymore?

There’s more--

Dress Instructions, continued:

(Apparently there is a PTA-sponsored senior party after graduation.)

There is time after the ceremony to change into clothes appropriate for the senior party.  DO NOT wear those clothes for the ceremony. Bring a small bag with senior party clothes to leave in an assigned dressing area during the ceremony.

Izzie’s analysis:  Makes sense—they wear dress-up clothes for graduation ( Maryjane patent leathers shoes a must), and then they change into party clothes, ya know like what they wore at all of those birthday parties at Chucky Cheese’s.  And then the REAL dilemma--Should the girls skip the Wait and Greet (see below) so they can change their hair from dress-up hairdo to party hairdo?

 There’s even more—

Following commencement graduates can meet/greet family in the lobby area or in the theater for photos.  They will then return to the dressing room to change into comfortable clothes for the senior party and give all personal property to parents.  Parents need to pick-up any excess items from the students before they board the buses. Once students have checked in with the senior party volunteers and have received their armbands, they may not leave the roped-off area or return to the lobby or theater for meet/greet time. The PTSA Senior Party Committee requests that students attending the party do not bring any personal items to the Senior Party beyond what is pre-checked in the Ziploc Bags prior to graduation.  Those who have made prior arrangements to attend the Senior Party are to board the buses waiting outside in accordance with the bus assignment list.

A few minutes for a MEET and GREET and PHOTOS?  What is this, a trade convention?  

What happened to taking the kid out for a family dinner, and THEN going party hopping?  For God’s sake, Grandpa is coming from the East Coast to attend the graduation.  Is that fair to him and everyone’s relatives who travelled to get to commencement?  How about a beak for the parents who supported their kids for 18 years?  Allow them to celebrate at the right time!

 Why couldn’t they have the party another night?

_______________________

Oh, and Armbands?  This one is for the ten Jews in the class of 300+.