Seattle v New York

NYC vs Seattle

Multiple Choice: Recognizing the Truth

For each question, choose the true reason for being late:

Multiple Choice:  Choose the true answer--

1. Sorry I was late, but

a)     Between the wedding and the reception, my daughter had texted us that she had forgotten her keys and was locked out of the house.  So we had to stop home and give her the keys on the way to the reception, making us miss the hors d'oevres.
b)    We stopped to buy a card to put our check in between the wedding and the reception.  We couldn’t find a store that was open, and then finally found one that sold cards.

c)  The dog ate my check.

2. Sorry I was late, but   

a)   A car cut in front of me, I stopped short and my tea spilled.  Then I had to pull over and clean the mess. 

b)   I got so fuhtootsled that I threw my cup of tea across the car.  Feeling like an idiot (not to mention the world’s worst mother)  I pulled over and cleaned the mess.

c)   The dog drank my tea.

3. Sorry I was late, but

a)     Someone misplaced the keys.

b)      I couldn’t find my keys.

c)      The dog ate my keys. 

4. Sorry I was late but

a)   I was stuck waiting for at least ten minutes in a construction zone.  When we finally got through, I was stuck behind this truck that was crawling at about 20 miles an hour.  Ugh.

b)      I was late.

c)      The dog ate my car.

5. Sorry I was late but

a)   My kid was sick.
b)   Clare, could you do me a favor?  I can’t find my keys and need a ride to the Community     Center to teach my class.

c)   The dog ate my keys

6. Sorry I was late but

a)   The shirt that made my outfit was in the laundry, so I had to put a new outfit together.  Then I couldn't find my boots.  When I finally found them, I forgot I had needed to wash the dog shit that was still on them.
b)   On the way to the car, I stepped in dog shit.
c)   The dog ate my cool outfit.

7. Sorry I was late but

a)      I was leaving right on time, when the dog escaped.  I did find her, but it took a while.. 

b)      Bad traffic.     

c)      The dog ate herself.

8. Sorry I was late but

a)    Someone side-swiped me. We had to wait for the cops to come.  Everyone was looking, so we slowed down the traffic. The cops came, we explained what happened to the police, and of course the other guy had a completely different story. After our cars were towed, I had to call the insurance and explain what happened, then I had to track down my husband to pick me up.

b)   I left late and got stuck in traffic.

c)    The dog peed on my car.       

9. Sorry I was late but

a)      The GPS took me on the most circuitous route possible.

b)      I was harmonizing with WILCO and I missed the exit but didn’t realize it until I was a           couple of miles away.

c)      The dog ate my homework.

10. Sorry I was late but

a)   I took the wrong entrance on the highway, and got stuck in traffic. I tried to call to say I was late, but my phone had run out of juice. So I­ had to find a public phone.  The next exit was over a bridge and 5 miles beyond that.   After I got off the exit, it took me a half an hour to find a public phone—and then another half an hour to find one that worked.

b)   I was stopped by a cop.

 c)   The dog ate my phone.

11. Sorry I was late but

a)    It was so dark that I got lost.

b)    I couldn’t find pants that fit me.    

c)     The dog ate my pants.

12. Sorry I was late but

a)      The GPS took me on the longest route possible

b)      I couldn’t remember the name of the place, and it took me a while to find the invitation.

c)       The dog ate my GPS

13. Sorry I was late but

       a)   I was running late, so I ran out of my house, jumped into the car, and sped up my hilly street.  When the the road swung left around a switchback, I kept going straight--towards a precipice of a steep slope that led down into my neighbor's house.  I slammed on the brakes, slid through some brushes and stopped. When I opened the door, the car tipped.  I stepped out and oops--no ground!  The front tire on the driver's side had gone over and was stuck in the air!  Luckily it was the only tire that crossed the ledge.  I artfully climbed out of the car, called AAA--bought a membership to AAA--and then waited for at least 45 mins.  Finally they came, towed my car back a couple of yards, and I was good to go. The next day, I gave my neighbors a couple of bottles of wine.

b)   I got into a car accident.
c)  The dog ate my neighbor's house.

Winkelman Librettos: Stop Hocking Chienick

Hocking Chienick—from a rock operetta loosely based on Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody.


Setting: any town in any year on any day at any time

Characters: daughter/son and mother/father

Lyrics for Son/Daughter in black

Lyrics for parent in red

---------------

MaMAAAAA, OOOOOO, I need some money to gooooo to the mall,

I barely go out, I have so much work I need a break----

Mamaaaa,oooo-- I’m going to the MALLLLL,

I did the dishes I spent some time with you,

Mama, ooooo-ooooo, Take me to the mall, then pick me up at twooooo

And I need some money----

I will not let you go I will not let you go

Let me go

I will not let you go

Let me go

Clean up your room…..

Let me go

Do your homework first---

I have so little to do I have that I don’t care so little do I have do I have do I have

Give me some money----

I’m just a poor boy, mom hocks my chienick

Stop hocking, stop, don’t hock my chie---nick

No, it’s you, you hock my chienick,

You’re hocking my chienick, money this, ride that,

 money, money moneyyyyy

Clean up your room do this and that

Ride to the mall to the mall mall mall

STOP HOCKING MY CHIEEEEENICK

STOP HOCKING MY CHIEEEEENICK

STOP HOCKING MY CHIEEEEENICK STOP HOCKING MY CHIEEEEENICK

The last line is sung together ad nauseam

Hocking My Chienick, Yiddish so good it deserves its own post.

This precious term is about a tradition passed down from generation to generation.  According to ancient scrolls it started as "hocking a chienick." But as it went down to me, it is hocking my chienick and loosely translates to:

NAGGING my ass.

See next post for example.

Fragmented Me: Poetry from the Consortium

The Topic of this year's National Poetry Consortium was The complexity of Identity

Vegetarian

Broccoli Brain
Spinach soul
Picasso-shaped
melon hole.
I am a steak cut into little pieces,
medium rare, if you please


Broken parts

Oh the pain,
broken parts strewn aside--happy baby proud.
ashamed throbbing loud--
Oh the pain,
complexity's a drain.
I am a silent airplane.


Picasso Woman Walking


Oh Pablo, I am your lover
My arm through your nose
My legs around your toes
I am as fragmented as your figures.
Square.  Circle. Square.
Oh Pablo, you know me well.
If only you weren't in hell.

(Nb. The consortium poems do not in any way reflect the opinion of the management.  Sometimes hell rhymes with well.)

Yesterday's Revelation Reduxe

If doing nothing gets you depressed, then you are doing something.

Thank you very much.

Reality Goes Hollywood

It's not just the actors' hair and makeup that are touched up on the set.  It's the botox too. They must stab those faces silly!  And the needle points-smaller than needle points! Take a look at some of the close-ups on the red carpet: 

http://www.imdb.com/features/globes/2011/gallery/11_critics_arrivals

Some of the celebs actually look like REAL people!  Bad skin, exhausted, sour looks, sweaty, WRINKLED, yes, WRINKLED!

Of course, some don't simply can not take bad pictures.

(Shout out to you, Angelina!)

I'd reproduce the photos, but I may have some copyright lawyers reading this.  Stranger things have happened.

Golden Globes Rant

People,

SO much to say, SO SO much to say.... I can't pour out my brain fast enough onto the page.  I have lobotomized myself and tried to get all the white gook out, right onto my computer screen and into your living rooms,like those movies where the characters jump into a movie that they're watching ("The Purple Rose of Cairo," "Pleasantville," "The Wizard of Oz"*)

*not at all

I did not watch the GG's.  I can only watch the Oscars.  Sorry, but it's just they way I am.

BUT I did go to the Golden Globe Website to see who won the awards.  Pretty much predictable in the movie dept....Social Network. blah blah...Colin Firth blah stutter blah....Natalie Portman blah anorexia-for the-art blah....Melissa Leo BLAH? cool blah.....Anette Benning...blah lesbian blah.....

Reality Goes Hollywood

The Idiotic Guide to Being Late

CHAPTER 1  

Timeliness: A Divine Act of Intervention

Under the law of entropy, our existence comprises a frenzy of causes and effects.  Being late is one of those frenzies.  Consider some of the infinitesimal number of circumstances that can cause lateness:

Bad traffic due to accidents, construction stops and detours, severe weather,  flat tire, faulty GPS, car trouble, previous meeting running late, earlier doctor's appointment running late, catching the flu, getting your sick kid to the doctor, your babysitter cancelling at the last minute....

Not only is the list endless, but all of these circumstances must be miraculously absent for us to get anywhere on time. It is NOT, in fact, a miracle.  It is an Act of Divine Intervention.  God smites all potential obstacles in our way.  

CHAPTER 2:

A Call to Action

Since lateness is endemic to being human, we must all forgive and forget, a key tenet of The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Sometimes we don’t forgive, but we forget.  Sometimes we forget, but we don’t forgive.  Sometimes we don’t forgive and we don’t forget. 

For example, my parents forget that it is perfectly natural to be late. Yet they still forgive me when I’m late.  My sister, however, neither forgets that it is natural to be late, nor forgives anyone for being late.  My best friend remembers to forgive and remembers to forget.  Sometimes, my son doesn’t remember to forget but remembers to forgive.

 Confused yet?  It is confusing! 

NUTSHELL BITE:

If you know that when you arrive late, someone will get angry with you, help them do the right thing--give them a reason to forgive you. 

CHAPTER 3: 

A Valid Excuse

Review:

·         Things happen to people, people are late. 

·         Being late—and its underlying causes—are natural.

·         People want to be nice.  They want to forgive and forget.

·         People need a valid excuse that will let them forgive and forget.

A valid excuse obviates the need for a real excuse.  An excuse is perfect if they don’t even know that they have anything to forgive you for.

An excuse is a story.  The best stories have interesting details, and are told in a dramatic way.  

John and Jane are in love.  After an amorous evening together, they sleep in the next morning, only to remember that it was a Monday.  John scampers into the shower, brushes his teeth and shaves while Jane grabs some extra winks.   By the time John is ready to go--freshly shaven, newspaper under his arm, coffee mug in hands, eyes wide open--Jane is waiting for him in the car.  John is frantic.  Jane has laid her head back and closed her eyes.  As they drive they both decide to give the same excuse to their bosses: there was an accident on the highway.

Later that day, they meet up at a bar.  John is sitting with his new friend, silent Bob.  Jane comes running up  to John to tell him the big news: she got a promotion, complete with raise.  John throws him arm around Jane and starts bellowing.  He has been fired. 

John falls into a heap onto the floor as Jane wishes him good riddens.

John wakes up late and misses an early meeting.  When he finally arrives, he tells his boss and colleags that he was late because he was caught in traffic slowed down by a car accident on the side of the road.  No one believes him.  He is fired.

Consider how Beth handled the same situation:

Upon waking, Beth throws some clothes on, brushes her teeth-- she does not brush her hair, she does not put on makeup.  She even leaves the residue from the previous day’s mascara under her eyes.  She sleeps in the car as John drives, and as he pulls over to the curb, she slowly opens her eyes.  Still in sleep mode she stumbles into work, and starts telling her story to her boss, who is walking in the hallway with one other person. By the time she finishes her story, about ten people surround her, patting her back in sympathy.

Exercise

Below  is a script of Beth’s monologue.  Stand in front of a mirror and practice it until you have memorized it.  Be late to something important, perform the monologue and then see if people are still talking to you.  If you would like us to critique your performance, sign up online, and we will arrange for a “temp” to film you.

Beth’s Harrowing Ride into Work: A MONOLOGUE

(Appear Breathless, speak frantically, as if the business cannot make a dime without you.)

Sorry I’m late, Mike.   

(look upset and frazzled)

I left at the same time I always do, 15 minutes earlier than what it would take normally take to get to work.  That way I get to the freeway in no time.

(wan smile, voice calmed, as you are telling the happy part of the story)

Crossing Lake Washington was no problem. 

(increase urgency as you go on) 

I had just gotten onto I-5. I heard this big BOOM--LOUD screeching--and GLASS shattering! 

(Go with it now.  You’re reliving the terror)

I looked up and saw a car spinning out of control—RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!

(optional: slow and steady sniffles; frantic hiccuped sniffles; no sniffles.)

The car knocked against the partition and then BOOM, more glass shattered and the car was upside down, the driver stuck inside. 

(Wait a beat for your audience to react, alternate controlled trembled speaking with befuddled babbling) 

None of us could move.  We were so shocked.  There were so many people there that I couldn’t get close enough. I couldn’t even tell if the guy was alive or not.  Maybe I’ll call the hospital.  Or maybe the ambulance never came.  I think he was all right.  No, wait, I don’t know.  I’ll call my boyfriend to see, did you see the sunset last night?  It was glorious! Want to go out for lunch?

(At this point, you should have your listeners.  Improvise. Be as creative as you want. Stutter, sweat, tear, light a cigarette.)

APPENDIX: Get our updated Appendix: Multiple Choice Lateness Test.

Learning by Reading Comprehension

This fuhkoktah program is not letting me edit the meshuganshticken on the right.  I thought this blog was going so well, but kenna hurah--I stayed up hours  into the wee hours of the night trying to fix the "yentah"!  I could only type one letter per 5 minutes.  True.  So why stay up so late? Feh!  I'm a fahtutzzled meshugenah! God help us someone should think I was anything but a writing maven.

WANTED: TEENS FOR RENT

Parent-training agency seeks teenage boys and girls ages 14-17 to rent out to parents of future and current teens, and couples thinking of having children.  Minimum wage + Room and Board.  Whining and yelling skills a must.  Cursing a plus.  Failing grades accepted.  Slobs only. Send cover letter to Ad No. 6667.

Re: Ad No. 6667.

Hello,

I haven’t done something like this before, but I believe that I am perfect for it. 

First, I am a slob.  Not only is my room a mess, but also it smells because I keep forgetting to throw away any of the food that I sneak in.  My mom tells me that it could also smell because I leave my clothes in heaps until I need new ones.  Then I just dump the whole pile in the laundry room for her to wash. I am a good student, so I don’t need to be reprimanded for grades.  I do, however, require use of the car, especially on the weekends.  I also have been partying more this semester, because all of my college applications are in.  Thus, the parents-in-training will not have to worry about school—I don’t anymore!!!!

On command (as well as on demand), I can be as annoying as you would like.  I also am independent enough to be able to know when to turn it on.  For example, when my parents ask where I am going, I never tell them until I need to borrow their credit card for gas.  If you would like, I can even try to keep the credit card I borrow from my temporary parents.  Another time I am obnoxious is when my younger brother comes in the room.  Sometimes I’ll yell at him to get out, other times I’ll show him something on my computer, like a Youtube video, and I’ll be really nice, until I can’t stand him anymore.  Then I kick him out.  The best part of being a teen—and the most effective way to show adults what teens are really like—is being completely moody and random.  No one in my family knows how to deal with me, not even my dog.  I stay in my room as much as I can and let them all come to me.  My mother is so desperate to see me that she randomly brings me food and something to drink. 

What parents need to understand is that it is not my fault that I am moody.  It’s completely their fault.  When they act like idiots, why would they expect me to even look at them?  What business is it of theirs where I go, what I eat, whether I am at school or not?  My parents are beyond redemption because they have no clue, so I hope you consider me to give what I can to help other kids have parents that are not as clueless as mine.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Mike Samson

Speech and Syntax at the Movies

Over the holiday, I saw four 2010 Movies.  All had a focus on speech or syntax, some not as obvious as others--

True Grit: It is a little-known fact that the apostrophe had not been invented until the early 20th Century during Prohibition, when people behind closed doors drank so much that their words slurred together.  True Grit presents an authentic speech pattern.  Cowboys spoke without contractions at a Shakespearean clip with Yoda sentence structure.  Note the copious use of the word "not." Accurate it was.

The King's Speech: An ode to speech therapy, my mother's former profession.  As portrayed by Geoffrey Rush, King George's speech therapist employed a technique I am fascinated with because it will cure the atonality of my singing. The first step to improvement is to believe in yourself.  As you might know from the previews England's King George VI--called Berty by his family--stuttered.  Rush's character shows the future king that he is capable of clear speech by placing headphones on Berty's head and blasting music so loudly that he could not hear himself speak.  Since he could not hear his own stuttering, an uninhibited Berty flawlessly reads Shakespeare aloud.  I am resolved to  blast Black Sabbath on my ipod while singing WILCO.  Then I will finally be able to fulfill one of my life's dreams and become a backup singer in a band.

 The Fighter and The Town: Will Geoffrey Rush please hold up a giant mirror over the city of Boston and show those people how to pronounce their R's? Alternatively, do movies really have to be so authentic? 

Nb. Kudos to The King's Speech and its unspoken homage to Lord Derek Jacobi's brilliant portrayal of Claudius, the Roman Emperor who had a stutter, in PBS' "I Claudius."  Both Claudius and George VI were stutterers until they became the leaders of their empires. (I assume that Derek Jacobi is a Lord.  Pursuant to the 1998 Amendment to the Magna Carta, the Queen must knight all great actors who are aging.)